Flip through Instagram, Facebook, and see if Mei Mei sent me a snap. This should all take up some time before the rest of the world is awake for me to text.
Okay, my anxiety feels like it has been properly caged by all the fun snaps of bulldogs that Carolyn has DM’d me so now I can attempt to read the news of what has happened in the past six hours.
Wait..
*spark*
*inhale*
*out goes the smoke*
Now I’m ready.
Now I’m reading and yup. This was a total mistake.
My anxiety is up and it is now ten am. How fast the time flies when I’ve woken up everyday feeling like it’s Tuesday.
I wonder when I’ll be able to stare at my wall, enjoying the silence and aloneness instead of wondering why it has become my punishment
I sit up in bed, dusting off last night’s crumbly munchies from my comforter.
Must feed self
*checks bank out*
Maybe I’ll wait it out a little bit longer so this one meal can keep me full for the day. This little money from PUA flies by so quick that I still have to figure out how to buy fluff ball cat food.
I look around the room like I’m expecting something or someone and land on the left side of the bed.
I still can’t bring myself to sleep on that side.
That was his side.
It’s been over a year and I’m over it. I’ve made peace with it and I’m over him. But when you get accustomed to having a loving body next to you for six years, you tend to leave the space as hope. One day I’ll fill it with someone better. Someone sweeter.
Fuuuuck. Pandemic. Mmmm there’s that sweet familiar feeling of loneliness. Feels heavier today.
*Opens dating app*
*swipe*
*swipe*
*swipe*
Aaah this makes me feel worse. I think it must be time for food. I’ve gone through the cycle of news, crying, social media, dating apps and smoking ten times by now.
*spark*
*inhale*
*out goes the smoke*
I need food. It’s time.
I put on a podcast and start to get dressed.
The voices help with the loneliness. Living alone during a pandemic comes with its ups and downs.
I wonder what I would be doing now if I was still working.
If there was no scary virus that made me terrified of humans.
A virus that made me get mad at movies when people stand too close (ah! It’s pre-pandemic woman! They can hug and share that drink”)
The way I want to be around people is changing.
I hate that. I also hate that I feel so unmotivated.
Why am I not making more?
Why am I not doing more?
Why am I not enough to be ….
*phone buzzes*
Ah, birth control time and I get to text people at normal people hours now.
